So, the kids had a two hour delay for the fierce freezing rain (we did not get). I was doing good. Oh so good.
Last night, since I've been working so much I just missed family time. So with all of the jubilee I had left in my Lil black heart Po and I put up the tree and when the kids rolled in we decorated the tree and were supposed to have a movie night. We did... but they fought and bugged and wouldn't clean up the trashed house they created themselves... blahh... we survived.
So this morning back to the two hour delay. The house (still trashed mind you) had waited. But that's okay, Pidg put on her big girl smile and tried to be happy happy Christmas is coming... regardless of the fact that the Christmas bonus from work had gone from good to nil. It's okay, it's about the season, the family, the love, the Savior.
Still being good.
Then it was time for Lil Man to get out to the bus in the plant mister rain that was not freezing. He was irritated but that's fine too. He's generally irritated when school is mentioned. E takes him to the end of the driveway I tell him it's okay for Lil Man to hold the umbrella when they stop. Evidently E didn't agree and somehow Lil Man is back at the door having been tackled by his brother and the umbrella looks like it was run over by the school bus. (breathe Pidg)
Nope... breathing did not help on this one.
Pidg fine... forget third person... I freaked out. Teeth gritted and gnashing saying words under my breath so that the neighbors (8 streets away) didn't hear. I come inside and suddenly the kitchen that was in all honestly TRASHED complete with dinner left out and wasted suddenly became this mountain of rage.
I don't mind cleaning. As a matter of fact it's therapy to me. But in walks children slowly and quietly offering "now" to help. (I like to refer to that as fear of the Mama)
I screamed and cried and snotted and spit.... as I cleaned the kitchen.
Don't they get it? They're old enough. I have two that have jobs and will be out of this house legally withing 6 months and the other a year and a half. I have young adults not just Pidglet-children. Why can't they see if I have to BEG then it's too late. My worth, my esteem comes solely from them. I give all and give strong so that they might learn lessons and become the people I know they can be. But in those instances of disobedience, disregard and flat out chaos my heart sinks.
I have no worth. I am not worth cleaning the kitchen for.... folding the laundry I washed for... vacuuming up the dog fur for...
Do I know the answers to these questions? Well, I know what you guys will say, especially the seasoned mothers. It's normal. They're kids. They will see it one day.
I don't care! I don't need those comments or that reassurance that one day when they're out on their own they will have children of their own and call me and say thank you ... how did you do it Mama? I appreciate everything you did for us as a single mom... always a single mom regardless if I was married....
By then I won't get those phone calls seeing as how I will have moved to a shanty in an undisclosed location that doesn't have cell phone service and all you eat is the vegetables from the garden I grow myself because there is no store with people on my small piece of land in no where.
Yah, I still love run-on sentences. Almost as much as I like my shanty idea.
I just needed to vent. To release to scream from my mountain of ruble ... thanks.
So now, I'm listening to my latest and greatest find from my eldest Pidglet Bailey - Ptxmas deluxe Christmas CD. Yes, I'm cheating on Michael Buble. But just a lil. I'm smelling the season that smells just a bit like cinnamon mixed with a vacuum filter they got wet... I'm working on that. Finishing the kitchen plus a second custom order for the Cottage and three rings to be mailed out... all on the only day off I got this week. (Yes, pity party still going strong.)
I see no need for punctuation or more tears or snotting. I'm okay. Worthless but okay. wink
I'm searching for a cup of cheer, as usuall I'll make it myself. That part I am thankful for. My Mama taught me that. Find the best in the situation and drink up. (Not literally, although drinking is sounding better and better the more Motherhood stretches me)
Happy day, clean well, tolerate all and scream strong. I think I got it all.
Over and laid out... with Christmas music filling these walls.
Much love and thankfulness you are tolerant of me.