Tuesday, January 21, 2014

So... the doctor

So I went to the doctor yesterday.  Yes, the doctor appointment I had all intentions of ditching.  Yes, I do things like that.  Often. Are you surprised?  Really?  Didn't think so.

I realized that even though I didn't want to talk about the reasons the appointment was scheduled (by her, my doctor, not me) I did need to go because my "T-Rex" arms had turned into chronic pain and the right one goes immobile sometimes; no biggie.

So I went, she asked how I was, I told her about my arms/elbows/hands. She prodded with questions as she poked at my arms. So, I have tendinitis, severely in the right arm.  She immediately wants me to take at least 2 weeks off.

Let the games begin.

Me: "So if I take these two weeks off will I come back healed and ready to work?"
Doc: "It should be better, yes."
Me: "Will it start up again?"
Doc: "With the way you work, yes, most likely just as bad."

She can see immediately the two weeks are out of the question.

She prods more. Yes, I have been thinking about giving my notice at work. Po has been after me since November. He's worried.  I am a little.. okay a lottle, but he doesn't know that.

Then the idea of third shift was brought to the table. Can I tell you I honestly thought my doc would be impressed with me making this decision of "less stress" and say "Good for you on taking matters into your own hands."

She asked what I would do if I just gave my notice and didn't go to third shift.  I told her, work from home, we can make it without me working it's just tighter.

She prodded... gosh didn't she get the part about me not wanting to talk about it?  I don't like to talk about my symptoms or issues or whatever you want to call them; it feels like weakness to me and failure due to lack of controlling my own body. So I downplay everything.  Dang if she doesn't know the right questions to ask. Pshhh....

Long story that is already long made shorter.  Her words, "I'm not stepping in yet, but you need to go home. Give your notice and use being home as an opportunity, not a defeat."

Long confused stare from ole Pidg here.  Huh?  I mean I know some of my health is slipping, and my anxiety is up but I'm not that bad.  Right?

She looked at me with what looked like pity and said, "You are starting to relapse. Your body will not take what you are putting it through. You're going to stop functioning again, you're already showing the signs of stopping. Going to third shift might help you mentally for a bit, but it's a band aid and your body is warning you; I don't think you're listening."

But...

"Go home and be happy.  I'm not stepping in yet, but I know I will have to if you keep going the way you are."

I was floored.  Caught blind-sided by being a lot worse off than I had admitted to myself - and a little amazed my doc would tell me so blatantly what she thought I should do.  It's not conventional, it's not what the world usually tells you.  In all honesty, I knew all of this, but I suppose it was that moment you had really wanted and hoped for a different answer.  One where things were progressing nicely; an answer that told you your worry was for nothing - just an over-reaction.

But its not that way.  She's not stepping in "yet".  So the answer remained in mine and Po's hands.  When I told him he looked to me softly and said, "Let's just call it quits sweets.  It's time."

When I went to go give my notice, head hung low, he whispered across the hall, "I'm proud of you."

I gave my notice, denied leave like Po and I had discussed and my last day is the 31st.

I'm okay, a little shaken, but all in all okay.

So I guess it's time to move on to other things.  Work my shops, take care of my family, clean the house and take care of me.  weird.

Right now, I just need to look forward.  Nay says I'm built for different things... I guess we'll see huh?

Over and out,

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5 comments:

  1. Don't feel defeated instead just look at it as a new stage in your life. It's hard to take care of ourselves. We are always so busy nurturing and caring for others. You are going to have to make a conscious effort to take time for you and your well being as well. xoxo

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  2. I feel the same way girl. After my seizure last week, I had to take a step back, reevaluate what's important, and assess. Hoping for the best for you. xoxo

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  3. You are built of strength and resilience...it's just time, my Pidg. I'm behind you all the way just like you are for me. Love you...always. And when you're going crazy at home, you still have me. Aren't you just the luckiest? or are you? lol

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  4. Don't feel upset with yourself or your body.. Some things just aren't in our control and we just have to roll with it sometimes. I hope you start feeling better and the pain stays away!

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  5. Wishing you the best of luck. It isn't easy when our bodies tell us one thing and we want to do something else, but we do need to listen. I am glad you didn't skip you doctor's appointment and hope your arm will start feeling better. :)
    ~Jess

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